Ah, Mass Effect. Before there was No Man’s Sky, or Starfield, we stepped into the boots of the infamous Commander Shepard. And along with our ragtag crew of mercenaries, assassins, vigilantes, and space paladins, we spent a trilogy of games fending off the galactic threat known as The Reapers and unifying the numerous alien races under one cause of self-preservation. The story is timeless, and following the release of the remastered trilogy in 2021, gamers were once again drawn into the galactic conflict and carefully choosing which space friend they wanted to… romance.
One well-known aspect of the games is that they consist of a vast and colorful set of characters, many of whom are a part of your crew at one point or another. Unfortunately, you are only ever able to take 2 maximum companions with you at a time as you take on combat missions. For me personally (as well as quite a few other people I know), I always stuck with the exact same duo: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? But the reality is, you learn the most about your crewmates by taking them with you on adventures, and following their loyalty missions to learn more about their backstories. Of course, through these, and through whatever tendencies you find yourself choosing when you select your squadmates, it’s pretty easy to decipher which Mass Effect character most aligns with your personality.
So here I am, with zero credibility or academic sourcing to back up my assessments, to make baseless assumptions about your personality based on your favorite Mass Effect characters. For the sake of brevity (and not having an article that’s longer than the Magna Carta) I’ll only be highlighting a handful of the major characters that serve as companions within the trilogy. So buckle up, because this is going to be rougher than a jump through the Omega-4 relay.
Kaiden
You’re the softie of your group of friends. While everyone is cheering as the Eagles land and rescue Frodo and Sam from Mount Doom, you are weeping because you know the third Eagle was meant for Gollum. You take just about everything personally; maybe not everything, but you’re the type of person that if your bestie forgets about your dinner plans and rain checks on you, you’ll hold a grudge for at least a month.
That’s not to say you’re a bad person, not by a long shot. You’re loyal to a fault and you will always put the needs of those important to you ahead of your own, even if it negatively affects you. You are also resilient as hell, and you’ll always find a way to bounce back even amidst the greatest heartbreaks. Everybody wants you on their team, they just don’t want you crying over your ice cream in a public place – it’s kinda embarrassing.
Ashley
You’ve got daddy issues, you’ve got mommy issues, you’ve got “D) all of the above” issues. But that’s ok, because we all have issues! You just tend to make yours relatively well-known to just about everyone you come across, at least indirectly. Slow it down a bit champ, we aren’t in a rush, and no, that one guy sitting across from you on the subway isn’t planning to pick a fight with you, that’s literally just how his face looks when he’s reading.
You’re fearless as hell and won’t compromise on your ideals for the sake of convenience, and for this, your loved ones have mad respect for you. They know they can count on you when someone needs to make the tough calls or jump into action when called upon. And for all your flaws, you’re certainly aware of them, an admirable trait in a world where everyone seems to think they’re perfect. You just need to take that first step in not assuming that every person who is unfamiliar to you is your enemy, and the rest is a cakewalk.
Grunt
You probably watch a lot of WWE or MMA and are convinced you could totally take on Elon Musk if he would just reply to your tweets. When it’s someone’s birthday, you’re the first person at the bar buying everyone’s shots, and you’re usually the one doing chugging contests with some other random people you met 20 minutes ago. You were the runt on the high school football team but after doing a few wild dares you earned the respect of the upperclassmen. You hit your stride and never looked back.
When things are tough, your friends look to you not for inspiring speeches, but as an example of getting the job done. You’re not scared away by a challenge even if maybe you should be. You’re also not afraid of losing; not because you don’t think you’ll ever lose, but because you see failure as an opportunity to get better and become stronger. Anytime someone needs a pep talk, you’re the go-to, and for good reason. Being bullheaded is one thing, but being bullheaded with a certain degree of chaos is a whole other ballgame, and one you excel at.
Thane
You’re a certain degree of spiritual that may or may not be unsettling to people, but you don’t let that stop your stride. Your chakras have been aligned since birth, and you’re an expert at realignment on the very off chance something throws off your groove. You also are the one people call most often to kill the spider in their bedrooms because you are without fear and you wield the call of Death with grace and fervor.
All that is to say that the level of peace and clarity you exude makes you the ideal friend and compatriot to be around. You are beholden to a very particular set of skills and you are good at it, and everyone knows it. You’re the kind of friend someone would call if they need to cancel their cable package but don’t like making phone calls. I know I sure would.
Wrex
You were the kid who took people’s lunch money in middle school and used it to buy Pokémon cards behind the dumpsters after school. As you ascended the ranks of the childhood crime rings, so too did your notoriety. Nobody messed with you and those who did learned a very hard lesson very quickly.
But you weren’t just a casual bully looking for trouble, you were the kind that needed to be triggered first. And at the end of the day, no one is more reliable than you at getting things done, be it around the house, at work, or in your weekend Warzone match-ups with the boys. You come off as tough and unapproachable, but as soon as someone proves their worth to you, that’s a lifetime friendship, baby.
Jack
You probably had more detentions and skipped days than normal days in high school. You were also probably the first one to get a tattoo and show it off to your friends. You definitely came off as a rebel and made sure everybody knew it, but whether it was against the gross lunch options or the patriarchy was anybody’s guess. You are also the definition of “resting bitch face,” and you’ve heard this more than once.
Still, everyone likes a rebel, and you know that better than anybody. The next time the squad goes to the next bachelorette party, everyone knows who will be painting graffiti outside of Taco Bell or drawing male genitalia on porta potty doors. Sure you look and sound tough, but you’ll eviscerate anyone that hurts the feelings of someone you care about, and that’s probably scarier than your graffiti work.
Liara
You absolutely won your school’s science project competition every year and probably started solving Rubik’s cubes when you were still in diapers. You’re also probably that person who consistently reminds the chat the difference between “your” and “you’re,” and that “irregardless” is not a word, no matter what the dictionary says.
But secretly, that’s probably why most people love you. While everyone is chit-chatting at the housewarming party, you’re sitting on the floor petting the dogs and asking if they know they are a very good boy or girl. And on the off chance someone does try to engage with you and trigger your overwhelming social anxiety, they will walk away with a slew of useless fun facts because you panicked and didn’t know how to make conversation, so now everyone knows about the mating habits of mollusks. Of course, no one realized that you were paying attention to every single conversation around you, and you now are privy to all the drama, which in its own way is exhilarating and makes you feel powerful. You’re no drama queen, but if someone wants the tea, they know just where to get it from.
Tali
You have been reading Tech Crunch since you were 10 and built your first website probably before then. You’ve been working for start-ups ever since you could hold a job and have at least 17 different ideas for apps that you want to build but constantly sideline them when a bright new idea enters your head.
You were the coolest kid in computer class because you beat The Oregon Trail simply by considering statistical probabilities on what actions were most likely to get you dysentery, and you’ve got at least 1,000 hours of several different modded playthroughs of Skyrim. You’re the ultimate nerd, and to say that you are loved for it would be an understatement.
Garrus
You’re perfect. The epitome of grace, ingenuity, form, and personality. You are without flaw. God may have rested on the seventh day, but he was still so inspired he decided to polish off creation by putting you in the world. You are the alpha and the omega. I will personally do battle with anyone who thinks otherwise.
