Listen, everyone has a time when they have to go. That being said, some toilets also have unexpected uses and can turn out to be very helpful when you most need them. So as GameLuster’s resident sanitary specialist, I’ve taken the task of listing what I think are the best toilets in video games. I’ve spent weeks researching and seeking them out and believe the following list will help you get the most out of these porcelain thrones.
No. 10 – The Toilet in Borderlands 2 That Gave Me a Really Good Gun
Borderlands 2 is a game about loot. You can find it just about anywhere, including toilets like porta-potties. Open it up and you never know just what wonders might be hiding inside. It could be a good shield or some nice grenade mods. In this particular instance, I’m thinking about the time it gave me a really powerful shotgun that made short work of midgets. It’s hard to keep track of the looty goodness that Borderlands 2‘s toilets have provided. I’m yet to find anything gold tier in one though.
No. 9 – Dead Rising – The Toilet with a shortcut between Paradise and Wonderland Plaza
Dead Rising‘s Willamette Mall might be a small open world, but it is overflowing with hordes of ravenous undead looking for a good meal. So this shortcut between the Paradise Plaza and Wonderland Plaza is one of the game’s most useful secrets. However, there’s a little bit a groundwork you have to do before you can use it. On the first night of the game, you need to take a trip over to Wonderland Plaza and fight the psychotic clown Adam MacIntyre. If you can survive his dual chainsaw offense, then you can stop the Space Rider and rescue a man named Greg Simpson. Escort him to the nearby toilets and he’ll reveal this secret shortcut to you. And trust me; you’ll be using it all the time, especially when you’re trying to escort survivors since their AI is so unbelievably stupid.
No. 8 – Duke Nukem 3D – Even Aliens Have To Go Sometimes
Even aliens have their bodily functions. I’m not judging him, you shouldn’t either.
No. 7 – Splinter Cell: Conviction – The Urinal I Smashed With Some Guy’s Face
One of my favorite parts of Splinter Cell: Conviction was the interrogation scenes. Sometimes Sam would make particularly creative use of his environments when he needed to make someone talk. In the first level of the game, Sam is investigating the death of his daughter in Malta when he suddenly finds himself under attack. Unsurprisingly, Sam easily survives the attack and corners their leader, Gramkos, in a toilet. He then proceeds to use the toilets as his weapon to make Gramkos talk. This specific scene involving a toilet is my favorite. However, it is not quite my favorite toilet-related fight scene.
No. 6 – Half-Life 2 – The Toilet I Used to Kill a Combine Officer
Gordon Freeman’s fight against the Combine takes him to many places, and he finds many weapons along the way. One of the most unique weapons is the Gravity Gun. A simple weapon that allows him to lift up random parts of the environment and fire them at high speeds. So its only natural that many players used this gun to turn random toilets into a high-speed method of delivering instant head trauma to your enemies.
No. 5 – Persona Q – The Toilet Everyone Hides from a Ghost In
Persona Q is a pure fan service game, through and through. That being said, if you are a fan, then Persona Q is a wonderful game. It’s a game filled with plenty of gags and general silliness. One of the highlights of this occurs during the third dungeon, the Evil Spirit Club. If you’re playing it on the P4 side, then during your exploration of the third floor, Yosuke’s weak bladder starts to cause a problem. While everyone is waiting outside an FOE appears and scares everyone into hiding in the toilet. At this point, you have to make a very important decision. Who do you hide with? You can cram into a stall with Yosuke, Mitsuru, and Ken. How about hiding with Aigis, Yukari and Naoto? Otherwise, you can hide with the P3 Hero, Koromaru, Kanji and Teddie (bear in mind that Teddie is in his full suit). Lastly, you can forsake hiding in a bathroom stall and cram into the supply closet with Junpei, Akihiko, and Shinjiro which is perhaps the most amusing choice to make. Regardless of who you hide with, there’s some fun dialogue to be heard after you choose your hiding place.
No. 4 – Hitman 2016 – The Toilet I Drowned Dalia Margolis in
Hitman 2016 is a fantastic game. It’s what I always wanted Hitman to be: a big, open, murderous playground. Perhaps one of its biggest strengths is just how many different ways you can kill your targets. Some bespoke to that person, others through patience and clever tricks to create new opportunities. In Hitman‘s first level, one of your targets is Dalia Margolis, a former model turned spymaster. There’s plenty of ways to kill her, but perhaps my favorite is the Helmet Kruger method. Firstly, find famous supermodel Helmet Kruger behind the mansion, knock him out, and disguise yourself as him because In a very convenient twist, it appears that Agent 47 shares a strong resemblance to this world-famous supermodel. Then hit the catwalk. After that, head upstairs and you’ll have a private audience with your completely unaware target. At this point, you have many different ways to eliminate her, but drowning her in a toilet is perhaps one of the safest ways. You’ll have to wait until she’s distracted so you can spike her drink with rat poison first, but then you get to use the toilet in a very unconventional way.
No. 3 – Silent Hill 2 – The Toilet that James has to stick his hand into
First of all, thanks to TheSilentHillFan who doesn’t beat around the bush with the video title. Otherwise, I’m not sure what to say about this one. James sticks his hand in the toilet and finds a wallet that was probably useful for something later, I’m not sure. Its been a while since I last played Silent Hill 2. I just remember this being one of those moments where I was watching through my fingers cause I had a feeling something horrible was about to happen.
No. 2 – Yakuza 0 – The Toilet In Which I Dropkicked a Guy out of the Window
God, I love Yakuza‘s crazy fight scenes. Yakuza 0 was my first experience with this wonderful franchise. I was already really liking this game thanks to the karaoke section earlier, but this scene is what convinced me I was really going to like these games. In this scene, Kiryu is rampaging his way through the Dojima Family Office and has to take a scenic route. This involved him jumping from the fire escape through a window into this toilet. Naturally, he had to fight a bunch more Dojima family Yakuza, including a very persistent guy who just wouldn’t give up no matter how many times Kiryu beat the hell out of him. So, in an attempt to get this guy to leave him alone for good, Kiryu does something very crazy and reckless. You should really watch the video.
No. 1 – Plague Inc: Evolved – Literally Anywhere
I love that Plague Inc. is a game about managing and evolving a virus to ultimately infect and kill the entire human race. I did not realize just how grim that sounded until I typed it out. Anyway, part of the challenge is evolving your virus to develop new symptoms to increase its killing ability. Certain combinations of symptoms can cause unintended side effects though. If your virus causes diarrhea and insanity, then it could trigger the “Public Defecation” combo in which people are literally just dropping a deuce in the streets because why not? Another one is the “Oops” combo, involving sneezing and diarrhea, which causes people to have pretty nasty accidents whenever they sneeze. Not fun.
Thanks for reading my list, which I’m sure we can all agree will be seen as the 100% authoritative, indisputable ranking of the best toilets in video games. Special thank you to Austin who inspired me to undertake this considerable, undeniably important piece of research for the betterment of video games everywhere. You’re welcome, internet.
GameLuster’s Tuesday 10 highlights memorable, light-hearted facets of video games or the industry at large. The No. 1 is a hill no one should die on, but it’s a hill that should be admired from afar.