Paper Mario: The Origami King is just around the corner, and fans are surely scrambling for any paper content they can get their 2-dimensional hands on. Now that you’ve finished your reread of Flat Stanley and watched Gallagher flatten all of the world’s watermelons, you’ve come crawling to me. Your reward: the best Paper Mario characters ranked by their efficiency as bookmarks.
10. Lady Bow
Lady Bow’s round shape is nothing to be ashamed of, but unfortunately her bookmark game is weak as hell. I can see someone using her wide diameter to keep place in a horizontally placed book, but this is the real world. Books are kept vertically here, and the sooner we accept that the sooner we can start the healing.
Goombella is short and stout, knocking her out of the running for the top spot right away. The only saving grace here is her hair – the protrusion could be utilized by tucking her upright against the spine of the book. I’d hesitate to recommend her because the bulk of her body and center of gravity lean towards the top of her head, making it easy for her to fall out. Try harder.
Eldstar only makes the top 10 at all due to his mustache, providing necessary counterweight to keep him upright. If a book is left standing vertically, the bookmark’s integrity depends greatly on the center of gravity, which Eldstar keeps tucked in his mustache. I recommend a 90 degree rotation pressed against the book spine to keep him up.
Step aside, Lady Bow. Doopliss has won the “Best Paper Ghost” contest I began holding only seconds ago. The fun birthday hat atop his head is the obvious reason for Doopliss’s success in this battle; simply have it protrude from the top of the book while the heft of the body acts as a weight. The reason he’s so far down the list, however, is because of how small the protrusion is. You’ll either need the world’s tiniest fingers or tweezers to pull it out, and I got big ole hands. Pass.
6. King Sammer
Sammer could have been a contender on this list, but unfortunately his head is just too spiky. I’m going to prick my finger handling that. Is that what you want? You want me to get a paper cut? You’re sick. Go play Sticker Star.
Parakarry looks misshapen at first, but look closely at the negative space between his chin and leg. You see it? That’s right, that’s a bookmark hook. Tuck him in at a slight angle to get a somewhat utilitarian bookmark that’ll make do in a pinch. The biggest problem here is that if he has a delivery to make, he’ll likely fly right out of your book. And you remember how bad things got the last time you lost your place in Eat Prey Love.
Now we’re getting into something I can work with. Low center of gravity to keep him grounded between pages with a thick upper section that’s easy to grab. I’d love for him to be just a bit taller, but they can’t all be winners. Lakilester is a solid pick if you’re sifting through all your Paper Mario merch and need to grab something quickly.
This is going to hit hard, so brace yourself – flip Vivian upside-down to maximize her bookmark potential. You’re left with a very sturdy base, a wide maximum width and an easy to grab hook protruding from the top. This is excellent design work, and I applaud Shigeru Miyamoto, or whoever.
2. General Guy
General Guy piqued my interest as a multi-part paper pal. We’re getting very close to honing in on that ideal bookmark shape, and the consistent bulk of General Guy from top to bottom sets him apart from an endless sea of paper idiots. Charge!
1. Count Bleck
What? The number one spot is the guy who literally just looks like a bookmark? Yeah. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Pretty much any standard bookmark would work better than any Paper Mario character, that’s for sure. Look, we don’t need to reinvent the wheel here. Standard rectangular bookmarks work fine. Accepting that, you’re now forced to admit that you were so starved for Paper Mario content in this time of need that you read a whole article about bookmarks. I bet you haven’t even read a book in years. This article is a lie, your life is a lie, and your Goodreads account is a lie.
Did I miss any really rectangular characters? Got plans to stick Origami Bowser in your copy of the novelization of the live action Super Mario Bros. movie? Sound off in the comments below!