The Super Mario Bros. games contain some of the most iconic and long-running enemies in video games, spanning well over a hundred games in the last 35 years. But have you ever wondered which of these creatures would make the best pets? Sure you could grab a green Koopa and call it a day, but why not imagine just a little? There’s over a thousand creatures out there, and almost any of them would be a more utilitarian pet than a cat or dog.
10. Hammer Bro
Has this ever happened to you? You’re getting ready to nail a 24×36 framed photo of Waluigi to the wall of your wife’s study, and you reach for the hammer – but it’s not there. Well then, where is the gosh darn thing? With a Hammer Bro, you’ll never have to worry again! Hammer Bros are a classic Mario enemy whose main power is tossing an infinite number of hammers at our red-capped hero. And therein you already see the use – an infinite number of hammers. You’ll never run out! Give a man a hammer and he’ll be set for a day, but teach a Bro to Hammer and he’ll be hammering for the rest of his life.
9. Chain Chomp
I know what you’re thinking – Chain Chomps are dangerous, man. But so are all the best real pets, like tigers and dragons. This is a case of a high-risk/high-reward pet, because if you can manage to keep your Chomp chained I promise not a single living soul will try to break into your home. Doing some rough math using the humans from Super Mario Odyssey, a Chain Chomp baby sits at around five feet tall while an adult can break 13 feet in some instances. If you want to keep unwanted intruders, traveling salesmen and pamphlet-pushers off your doorstep for good, look no further than this little ball of rage. The unfortunate trade-off is that Girl Scouts will likely not brave the jaws of the Chain Chomp to get to your door, so your supply line to Samoas and Thin Mints might be cut off.
8. Ninji
You’re getting ready for the dinner party at your friend’s house and you’re ready to plate that wonderful guacamole you’ve mixed up – but the decorative glass bowl from your cousin in Senegal is all the way up on top of the kitchen cabinets. The stepladder is nowhere to be found, your boyfriend is upstairs shouting that he’s lost his shoes and time is running out; Barbara said to be there at eight, and you’ll be damned if you’re going to miss out on the mini-quiches. Look, we’ve all been in this exact situation before. Ninji is a small bouncing creature with an incredible vertical leap. Call your Ninji over, hop on his head, and bounce up to ten feet in the air to easily reach your wonderful bowl. Ninji is full of spunk and vigor, so he’s always hopping, whether you like it or not. Keep an eye on your children when they’re playing with your Ninji in the backyard. One wrong leap and they could be over the fence, headed towards a brave new world.
7. Flurry
It’s a hot July afternoon, you’re out in the Olympic-sized swimming pool behind your mansion, and you reach for your lemonade only to discover it’s slightly lukewarm. Your butler, Chives, is M.I.A. The ice machine in your private cabana is almost nine feet away, and you feel the creep of despair as it swims underneath you, ready to bite. But what’s that? Why, it’s your Flurry! This icy little bundle of cute on two bubbly feet can chill even the most lukewarm of drinks at a moment’s notice without you breaking a sweat. Don’t leave him out for too long in the summer heat, though; remember what happened to Olaf in Frozen.
6. Snake
You’ve woken up late for your shift at the rock climbing wall on the other side of Los Angeles and traffic is looking worse than ever. One more tardy notice and you’ll receive a formal warning – and you know you will cry. Good thing your Snake is hovering patiently outside the window of your 15th story apartment; you’ll be there in no time. These colorful creatures from Yoshi’s Story begin flying when someone jumps on their backs, and will change direction upon their rider jumping again. Soar through the smoggy skies of L.A. on this majestic beast and get a workout on your commute! On an unrelated note, if anyone can figure out how to stop a Snake once it gets moving, please let me know. The air grows thin as I approach the heavens.
5. Paragoomba
Amazon drones filling the sky as they deliver toilet paper Dash Buttons and copies of Joe Dirt on DVD to the masses? Not in my America. Automation has already stolen millions of American jobs, and I won’t sit here and let the robots win again. Cue the Paragoomba, the flying iteration of the very first Super Mario Bros. enemy. A pet Paragoomba would be a great investment for picking up curbside packages from retail establishments, so you never have to go outside again. Simply write in instructions in the Domino’s™ Pizza Tracker app to tie the box to your Paragoomba and skip the delivery fees forever! These grumpy creatures are just as good at finding their way back as homing pigeons, probably.
4. Kamek
Your enemies are coming for you. Look, just outside the window! That fleeting shadow. They’re here. You’ve put on a few pounds recently, so you’ll never outrun them. And, let’s be honest, you’re not going to outsmart them. You will need to overpower them, and that’s when Kamek and his magic wand come into play. One of Bowser’s top generals living in your home provides more than just an insanely overpowered body guard, though – his abilities include teleportation, creating life, telekinesis, summoning fire and duplicating himself. In the world of humans, Kamek would likely be unstoppable in a fight, but could also teleport to the grocery store to conveniently grab you some Mountain Dew or light the fireplace in a moment on a chilly night. He also owns his own library according to Mario Party DS, and that’s pretty neat, right?
3. Fuzzy
This one seems a little strange, but bear with me. When physically contacting a Fuzzy, the other party will begin a crazy hallucinatory trip. Sound is distorted, time is meaningless, backwards is forwards, lights flash every color of the rainbow, and the world twists around you. However, the effects only last for a few seconds at a time. Fuzzy happens to be a 100% legal way of tripping out with no lasting effects, with the added benefit that it is very cute. They like to move in herds, so letting them bounce around the room while watching Doctor Strange with your buds could make for a great night. Just… don’t let your dog chase it around. It will end badly.
2. Swoopin’ Stu
Besides his name being almost too good, Swoopin’ Stu brings a lot to the table. Most of it is the oddly satisfying sound he makes when jumping. If that’s somehow not enough to justify the number two spot on this list for you, remember that Swoopin’ Stu also can deposit or clean up dirt and slime better than any cleaning product on the market. Whether you need someone to wipe up all the homemade slime your 3-year-old threw on the carpet or just want to trash the home of your opponent for the city council seat, Swoopin’ Stu will swoop in to save the day in the cutest way possible. Yeeeeeeeow.
1. Bowser
Look into your backyard. You have a Hammer Bro, a Ninji, a Chain Chomp, a Flurry, a Snake, a Paragoomba, a horde of Swoopin’ Stus, Kamek and a herd of Fuzzys causing all of them to hallucinate. It’s absolute madness. No one could control these hordes of monsters and mayhem. No one, that is, except the Koopa King himself- Bowser. Although if Bowser is living in your house, it’s more likely that you’re his pet. That’s what you get for flying too close to the sun, you greedy pig. You just had to have all of them, didn’t you?
Did we miss any? Thought of a cool use for a Thwomp? Comment down below!
