E3 2020 may have been canceled due to the coronavirus, but fret not; there will still be plenty of awesome gaming announcements throughout the year! Nevertheless, there’s something special about the spectacle of the E3 Press Conferences. These are the top 10 announcements that definitely would have come from E3, probably.
10. Reggie Fils-Aime is Coming to Xbox Game Pass
Phil Spencer’s phone was not especially hard to crack, especially since I was able to secure it while he was distracted trying to troubleshoot his Kinect. Inside Twitter, I found in the drafts undeniable proof that Reggie Fils-Aime, former CEO of Nintendo and current Big Gamestop Man, will be available on Xbox Game Pass later this month. I’m guessing this was going to be a big reveal, so it’s unfortunate that we didn’t get to see it on the press conference stage.
9. Gwent VR is coming Exclusively To Microsoft HoloLens
In another exciting announcement from the cancelled E3 Microsoft conference, the equally beloved and hated card game from CD Projekt Red’s The Witcher series is finally making the jump to virtual reality. Utilizing the wildly popular Microsoft HoloLens, cards will be rendered in pristine 720P 3D. There won’t be any 3D renderings of the monsters themselves, but let’s be honest, that would just distract players from the super interesting card game that didn’t make me abandon The Witcher 3 four separate times.
8. Nintendo Reveals Its Cancelled Half-Life Project Starring Waluigi
This was going to be a little Easter Egg during the 46 minute Nintendo Direct this year, but it actually makes a lot of sense. Half-Life: Waahvenhome was in production from around 2008-2010, but was unfortunately cancelled when Valve decided to scrap the project after Waluigi sent out a flurry of offensive Tweets. This cancelled project explains why we still haven’t seen a Waluigi standalone game; the team at Nintendo was apparently so heartbroken at the game’s cancellation that they vowed never to release a game starring Waluigi, purely out of spite. Ah, what could have been.
7. Ubisoft Announces Battle Royale Battle Royale, Based on the Original Japanese Novel
The smash-hit novel that inspired The Hunger Games is finally getting the adaptation it deserves. In a much-too-late effort to get in on the battle royale genre, Ubisoft has acquired the license for the 1996 novel by Japanese author Koushun Takami to loosely base its upcoming free-to-play game on. Fifty Japanese high-school students are dumped on an island and must scrounge for food, water, supplies, and the will to survive. Players will take control of the Japanese teenagers and be given a stick, a whistle and a canteen of green tea as their initial loadout and will try to be the last one standing. Players will need to balance their stamina, hunger, thirst and horniness meters to outlive the competition. This top secret information was obtained simply by calling Ubisoft CEO Yves Guillemot on his personal phone and asking politely.
6. Devolver Digital Announces Steam 2
Devolver Digital, hosts of the infamous Devolver Direct every E3, has finally taken things to the next level. The company’s sketch comedy satires of the gaming industry have become a staple of E3, culminating in 2019 with the release of bootlegged versions of their own games on a proprietary launcher. Devolver is now proud to announce Steam 2, the sequel to Valve’s industry-dominating game store on PC. Devolver leaked its own statement from an offshore account that reads as follows:
We’re super excited to bring PC gaming to the next level with Steam 2. This one will have twice as much stuff as Steam, at least. Buying one copy of a game gets you two copies. Every dollar is two dollars. Booting up Steam 2 will launch 2 distinct launchers, both draining twice the amount of memory from your computer. We’re confident we can finally destroy the industry with this one and avenge my father’s murder.
5. SEGA Returns to the Console Wars with the Game Gear Micro & Knuckles
SEGA actually made the announcement for this one earlier this week. For some godforsaken reason, SEGA has decided to re-enter the console market in 2020. The Game Gear Micro is the smallest handheld console to date, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for plenty of great games. SEGA has a huge selection of hits to pull from, such as Sonic the Hedgehog, Sonic the Hedgehog 2, and… uh… The great thing about the Game Gear Micro is that it comes with Knuckles directly inside the handheld – no need to purchase him separately.
4. Square Enix is Making Another Damn JRPG
Wow, what a shock. Here’s another one of these. It all starts when a young man wakes up in a village in the idyllic countryside. His female best friend goes around the village with him and probably does fire magic or something. Then the great evil shows itself, and a ragtag band of high skilled heroes end up accompanying an actual child onto the battlefield. One of them is a dancer and another one does arrows. There’s a nine year old girl in a bikini that’s really a 3,000 year old dragon. The hot girl has a whip, probably. Who cares.
3. Todd Howard Accidentally Confirms the Title of the Next Elder Scrolls Game
Another one slips through the cracks! It appears that Bethesda Game Studios director, Todd Howard, attempted to send a private Facebook message to Bethesda Marketing Head, Pete Hines, but accidentally posted it as a status. The post was taken down a few hours later, but not before thousands of people had shared it around. Here you have it folks – look out holiday 2021 for The Elder Scrolls VI: Skyrim 2.
2. Nintendo Announces Mario’s Murder Mystery Party
At the end of the 2020 E3 Direct, Nintendo was planning to show a teaser for its upcoming game: Mario’s Murder Mystery Party. Mario characters take on the personas of classic murder mystery personalities when Luigi is murdered during a celebratory banquet following the events of Luigi’s Mansion 3. Toad and Toadette are the butler and maid, Yoshi is the chauffeur, Daisy is the crack detective that happens to be there, Peach is the rich heiress, Wario and Waluigi are the sketchy cousins, Donkey Kong is the chef, etc. Competing players will play through mystery-themed free-for-all minigames to figure out who the killer is – and the culprit changes every time. Branching dialogue choices determine the outcome, so don’t get comfortable with what you think you know. Damn, this is so good. Now I’m sad that I made this up for goofs. Get at me, Nintendo. Don’t you dare eat my lunch without me getting my cut.
1. Video Games are Coming to Google Stadia
Streaming fans rejoice – Google Stadia head Phil Harrison had planned a Stadia Connect announcing that video games will be available on the platform this November! Mark your calendars for the one year anniversary of Stadia’s launch and get ready to play some games that you’ll never own!
Hear any other leaks about what was supposed to go down this E3? Let us know in the comments below!